It's so terribly hard to write this post. I miss Duke so much and trying to get used to him being gone has not been easy. It's only been five days yet it feels almost like years since I got to rub his soft ears. I took this first picture the day I took Duke to the vet, which was the day they told me he had cancer. My mom had been telling me for some time that Duke didn't seem to be doing well and that he was getting so old but I kept telling everyone he had at least two more years to live. I was in total denial because I loved him so much and wanted him with me forever. Just about two weeks before this picture, I realized he had some lumps on his throat that I'd never felt before. They seemed to have popped up overnight. I thought they were just probably the same kind of "fatty pocket" he had on his belly.
When we got the puppies for Christmas...I began to see things more clearly. The puppies reminded me of what Duke was like before. He used to run, play, chew on bones and things constantly, and just was so alive and happy. Being around them really opened my eyes to how much Duke was struggling. Then Duke started breathing differently. He was snoring all the time, sounding like he was struggling to breathe. He was panting, having a hard time drinking water so he wasn't hardly drinking. He was avoiding putting weight on his back legs a lot more than normal. I remember looking at him this morning and crying and texting Nathan saying "something isn't right. He's acting so different and breathing strange!" I made an appointment to have him seen that day.
I took him in right after picking Liam up from school. It was Friday, January 4th. He hates going new places. He was nervous the whole time. The vet and her assistant were so kind. The vet felt his lumps and said they definitely felt like cancer and that they weren't just in his throat but she felt them all down his back legs as well. She said his liver felt terrible as well. I immediately started crying when she said she thought it was cancer and started talking about the pain he was in, how bad it would get etc. I had her do a test on him and she confirmed it was cancer. Nathan came in from work to be there with me while she went over all the information. How the cancer spreads, how it affects the body, what he would get like, how fast he would start failing completely and that he had max 4-12 weeks to live possibly shorter. She said once they lumps appear...it spreads fast. I literally felt like I was in a horrible bad nightmare. I honestly had believed he'd live two more years...who am I kidding...I constantly said Duke would be the dog who lived forever. I've never lost anyone I loved before...never experienced death in that way and I think I just could not wrap my head around it so I just always said he'd live forever.
I left the vet a total mess. In shock. Filled with a sadness I'd never known before. Do I let him live and suffer through the pain just continuing to get worse and worse until he dies having to endure such horrible conditions, or do I put him down without him understanding what's happening...either way he wouldn't understand what was happening.
Nathan and I talked about it. I talked to my mom, my sister, and my brother. Everyone agreed he shouldn't have to die a slow miserable death with the cancer eating away at his body. Duke was my family dog from before Nathan and I got married which is why I talked to my mom, sister, and brother about it. This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing. It's this constant thought in my mind...was I right to put him down? I'm not sure I'll ever find peace about it.
We scheduled him to put down on Wednesday, January 9th. Realizing the dog I'd loved for so long was dying and going to die within days was the worst. It was like torture. Watching him those last few days knowing he'd be gone. It was impossible to imagine what it would be like. I'd barely been without him since he came to live with our family when he was just a few months old.
Sunday, we told the kids. Explaining that to your children is heart-wrenching. Liam started sobbing immediately. Jude and Alanna didn't fully understand and Ruy held his tears in until a few hours later when we both had a complete meltdown together.
We spent some time Sunday in the yard together with all the dogs and the kids for the last time. He didn't like the puppies but I think it's just because he was hurting. I think that if he hadn't been sick, he would have loved them. They loved him especially Lennon. Lennon wanted to be near him constantly.
Monday I asked the kids if there was anything special they wanted to do with Duke. Ruy asked if we could take him to my Dad's house one last time. My Dad's house was where he lived when we first got him. He lived at my Dad's house for the first 7 years and at our house now for his last 6 years.
He knew exactly where we were. He ran around the house tail wagging and ran to the back door where he used to love to stand and lay. He barked and wanted to go out so bad! I kept him on a leash outside though because I knew he'd take off into the woods like he used to and I wasn't sure if he'd be able to find his way back.
My kids don't remember life without Duke. Ruy was just a baby when I moved into my Dad's house and the one year we lived at the apartment without Duke he was so little he doesn't remember. All my other kids lived with Duke their whole life.
This picture literally breaks my heart. Ruy walking Duke in his old yard one last time. Ruy's such an amazing person. So thoughtful and just him wanting to do this for Duke was so kind.
We came home and my brother came over to see Duke one last time.
Carl was about 11 when we got Duke so very close to Ruy's age now. He used to sleep with Catherine and Carl. They loved him so much and when they would come visit me at our house now, Duke was always SO excited to see them.
My sister Catherine came and spent the night with me Tuesday night. She wanted to spend as much time with him as she could before we had to say goodbye. She wanted these pictures to always remember him and so Penelope could see who the best dog in the world was.
My mom is who took Catherine and Carl to the shelter to pick out a dog. She house trained him and loved him so much. He was "her baby" for several years before her and my Dad separated and I started taking care of him. She was always bringing him the best treats and toys all the time when she came over.
I caught Jude just randomly loving on Duke on Tuesday. He would do this often. Just give Duke hugs and pets.
Tuesday night we took Duke to Powhatan to have a special photo session with him done. You can see the full session {here} on this post. The session was beautiful and I'm so grateful for the memories.
My Dad came over and said goodbye too. He lived with Duke for 7 years.
Duke always wanted to be near us. He was always laying at our feet or on my feet.
Wednesday morning I felt like I was in a fog. How could this be happening.
The boys stayed home from school. Everyone was so sad.
We took him on his last walk.
And then it was time to take him. We all hugged him and cried.
Nathan, Catherine, Ruy, and I went to the vet with Duke to be with him when he left us. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard the experience would be.
I held his face. I held him as I felt the life leave his body. I was crying harder than I've ever cried before and was just crying out for him to come back. Nothing, nothing has ever hurt so bad. It took me almost 10 minutes to be able to lift my face off of his. My heart felt broken. I felt completely broken and changed forever. I can not explain the horrible horrible feeling of losing something you love so much. No words can do it justice. If you've ever lost someone you love...you know.
We had made a headstone for him with the kids. They picked out stones and we put his paw print on it.
We buried him behind our little creek in what Ruy always called his "secret hideout" when he was little. We all said things we loved about Duke, how much happiness he brought us all, and said goodbye. This was insanely painful.
I felt like Ruy had to grow up so much that day. He helped Nathan dig the hole for his coffin. He was there when he died. He helped bury him. It's so hard to watch your child lose their dog, their friend, and not be able to take that pain away from them.
The sun set as we were heading in. A beautiful light came through the trees and went over the creek to where he was buried. My heart ached. This sadness that had taken over was so deep like nothing I'd ever known. I realized on a whole new level how short and precious life is. I realized how much better I want to be. I realized how much I need to really start LIVING. I realized how much I need to show love more and not take things for granted or get angry about things that don't matter. I realized that we really are not guaranteed tomorrow and NOW is what matters. LOVE is what matters. I've felt this huge shift taking place in my soul since Duke's death. He taught me so much through his life and his death.
Duke...you were the greatest dog in the whole world. You brought so much happiness to our lives and you will live on in our hearts and memories forever.
